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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668321">love is a doing verb</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordbirthdayxv/pseuds/lordbirthdayxv'>lordbirthdayxv</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Monsta X (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Smut, Vignettes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:09:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordbirthdayxv/pseuds/lordbirthdayxv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A stressed Kihyun with commitment issues and Changkyun, bent on ruining the most well laid plans of mice and men. Or in this case, hamsters and men.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>love is a doing verb</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this dumb big boi fic is my present to yoo kihyun, the babiest of babies and the light of my life. i love my son. happy birthday, my son. may you continue to flourish like creeper vines and thrive like tumbleweed in the desert.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kihyun's relationship with loss and its discontents began the day he made a friend on his first day of grade school. Up until then, he had been a solitary, sulky child, much to the chagrin of his parents, but it changed when the seating arrangement forced him to slide on to the bench next to a boy with a too-wide smile, too-bright eyes, and too-shiny hair, who chewed gum obnoxiously loud, and then discreetly stuck it on the underside of the desk as their homeroom teacher walked in.</p><p>“I’m Minhyuk,” he said in a too-loud whisper. Kihyun cringed and shifted a few inches away.</p><p>“Kihyun,” he muttered and roll call began before Minhyuk had a chance to stage whisper again. The lesson started a few minutes later but something had seized hold of Kihyun’s little brain. He found himself thinking in what-if’s, particularly concerning his new deskmate, whom he was sure he did not like in the least. Everything about him was loud, bright, and annoyingly cheerful but what if that hadn’t been the case? What if he was as quiet and bad-tempered as Kihyun was? Or vicious like the bigger kids who sat at the back and took spiteful pleasure in tormenting smaller kids like himself.</p><p>It was then that the mundaneness of loss began to set in and it was underscored with the word <em>no</em>. <em>No</em>, Minhyuk was not shy or ill-tempered. <em>No</em>, Minhyuk was not cruel. And yet, confusingly, Kihyun felt as if he had been robbed of some essential part of the grade school experience. In his mind, he could see himself getting bullied, getting into fights, getting suspended, but now it would never come to pass. He didn’t know how to feel about this turn of events, but it did determine his outlook on life. </p><p>He wasn't any happier, per se. He was still constitutionally ill-tempered and arrogant, but he made a friend, all because he let himself wade through the negation of friendship to arrive at its affirmation. It helped expand his circle of friends over time just as it made him a paranoiac but that was to be expected and of little consequence. The fact of the matter was that by knowing imaginary loss so intimately, he had acquired the ability to negate it in real life, and quantify all his relationships to avoid any inconveniences, emotional or otherwise.</p><p>It did, however, set him back in the romance department. </p><p>“Hyemi,” he says for the umpteenth time that day. She ignores him, roughly pulling down the hem of her dress and throwing on her jacket with a vengeance. “Hyemi, please-”</p><p>She sits down on the edge of the bed abruptly, her back to him, but he knows by her hunched shoulders that she is trying not to cry.</p><p>“What do you want from me?” her voice is quivering and he tries not to think about how awkward he is at providing comfort to people crying. He shifts closer and she sniffles.</p><p>“I just need some time,” he says, hand half-poised to pat her shoulder if the crying gets worse, “Just a little more time to think about things.”</p><p>She turns to him, her face wet and eyes red. “It’s been two years, Kihyun. Two <em>years</em>. Why is it still so difficult for you to think about this? I thought you wanted something like this,” more tears slide down her cheeks as she whispers, “I thought you wanted it with me.”</p><p>Kihyun tries to look gentle, tries to smile, but he knows he is grimacing.</p><p>“Look. I’ve just been really busy with work. I haven’t had a moment to myself.”   </p><p>Hyemi’s lower lip trembles and she shakily gets to her feet. Kihyun’s heart sinks as she picks up her purse and moves to head to the door. He stands up, ready to go after and reason with her but she turns around in the doorway and fixes him with a look so heartbreaking that he stops in his tracks.</p><p>“I really want to believe you, Kihyun,” she says, voice choked with sobs, “but I don’t want to waste my time when you can’t spare me some of yours.”</p><p>She is gone before he can formulate any sort of response, which he doubts he could have managed anyway. He sits down on his bed as the front door slams with resolution that resounds throughout his apartment. This is unprecedented. He had not imagined her getting frustrated so soon. She had been his longest relationship to date, had stuck around long enough that he had begun to dare to hope for a future but she had her limits just as he has his.</p><p>He calls Minhyuk purely to distract himself from the void that is slowly making itself known in the center of his chest. Predictably, however, he finds himself in a bar not two hours later.</p><p>“But why not?”</p><p>Kihyun shakes his head and slowly sips at his drink. “You know why.”</p><p>Minhyuk scoffs. “Honestly, no I don’t. Anyone would expect to move in around this point. Or like expect some sort of sign.”</p><p>“I know that,” Kihyun snaps, putting his glass on the counter before he throws it at Minhyuk’s head. Minhyuk props his chin on his palm and stares at him intently.</p><p>“Then what’s the problem? Go get her back.”</p><p>“Haven’t you been listening?” Kihyun’s patience is running thin and Minhyuk’s smug face is only making it worse, “she doesn’t want this. She wants… she wants…”</p><p>He can’t bring himself to admit it and Minhyuk knows that. Delights in the fact really. He cackles and orders another round. Kihyun glares at him in the vain hope to siphon all his irritation directly into his bleach blond head and make all his hair fall out. Alas, no such hope. </p><p>“I really wanna ask you,” Minhyuk begins again when they both have full glasses of G and T in front of them, “why do you even go for serious relationships if you don’t have the balls to commit?”</p><p>Kihyun glares at him and refuses to answer. Minhyuk shrugs, picking up his glass.</p><p>“All I’m saying is, why put yourself through all of that if you’re not in it for the long haul? Less pain on both ends this way, really.” </p><p>And despite his questionable morals and even more questionable advice, he is right this time. Kihyun finishes his drink slowly, each sip solidifying his decision into what he knows he should have done all those years ago when he first started out with Hyemi. He tries to tell himself that he is doing this for her, to save her the unnecessary pain of being tagged along in a relationship that was steadily unravelling like time. Ironic, considering that in her opinion this was the exact thing that should tether it to more secure emotions. Regardless of that, in the end, he knows he is doing it for himself. </p><p>He calls her when he gets home and she answers immediately. It is past midnight and she goes to bed early. He pictures her sitting by the phone, eyes sliding closed, hoping he calls and makes an unrealistic declaration. The thought makes his chest ache. </p><p>“Kihyun.”</p><p>“Hyemi.”</p><p>There is silence as she catches her breath. Then:</p><p>“I’m so sorry I-”</p><p>“No, it’s alright,” he cuts her off gently. Takes a deep breath and asks himself if he should. The answer is immediate and consistent. “Hyemi I- you were right.”</p><p>He hears her breath hitch. “About what?”</p><p>“About me.” A pause. “You deserve so much more.”</p><p>“Wha- what is this? What do you mean?”</p><p>“I think it’s best if we part ways. We both want different things-”</p><p>“Kihyun.”</p><p>“-and I cannot give you what you need-”</p><p>“Kihyun!”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, I’ve wasted your time and I’ve hurt you-”</p><p>“Oh fuck you!” she is sobbing, loud, forceful, gut-wrenching sobs, and Kihyun wishes he were anywhere but here, listening to her. “Fuck you! Who the fuck do you think you are?! I gave you everything and you- you-”</p><p>“Hyemi,” he says softly, a headache already blooming behind his eyes, “it’s for the best. I can’t make you happy.”</p><p>“All I want is to be with you!” she screams, “some reassurance that this is going somewhere! I’m not asking for anything impossible, for fuck’s sake, all I want is a promise!”</p><p>And Kihyun thinks about it. It’s a simple enough request. But the thought of it rankles like a thorn in his chest the longer he dwells on it. </p><p>“I can’t do that,” Kihyun whispers and hears her heart breaking, “I can’t make a promise I can’t keep.”</p><p>He listens to the staticky sniffles that she tries and fails to suppress until she finally hangs up without another word.   </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He wants to think it gets easier afterwards but it doesn’t. Work and its increasing insistence on his time and energy certainly helps. It demands from him precisely what he has to offer, nothing less and nothing more. As someone exceedingly aware of how badly things can go wrong if left to chance, he put his prudence to good use and double majored in economics and finance. The endless array of numbers and symbols, spreadsheets and reports, allowed a balanced sort of comfort that nothing else could provide. He had learned in school that numbers were friendly because they were constants and because he could jump over numerous what-ifs and still arrive at the same thing. Negation of numerical fact made reality look whole.</p><p>The comfortable mantle of a risk analyst seemed to best suit his tastes so he became one. For the most part, it is an occupation he enjoys, despite the onslaught of shifty investors crowding around Hyunwoo ever since the firm went public. It pays well, it allows him to nag at Minhyuk as he fumbles through his clients with all the grace of a very bad lawyer, which he is not, and it lets him keep hours that do not allow much in the way of a personal life, which after Hyemi, is a really good idea. </p><p>Of course this interim period of frankly suspiciously uninterrupted peace comes to an end when, at the conclusion of the final shareholders meeting, Minhyuk suggests a small celebration. ‘Small’ is deceptive here, because it means different things. To Kihyun, it means his group of friends that he can count on one hand, get together at one of their apartments, drink, and eventually fall asleep in a dogpile a la their college dorm days. This ‘small’ is good as it is comfortably enjoyable. </p><p>To Minhyuk, it means doing all of the above except in a club. And that is where they end up because what Minhyuk wants, Minhyuk gets, despite Kihyun, Hyunwoo, Hoseok, and Hyungwon all being varying degrees of opposed to it. Now he is half sprawled across a barely there Hyungwon’s lap, raving about the new paralegal and his “dimples of debauchery” and Kihyun has begun to enjoy himself a little. He is happily buzzed, aware enough to navigate his own way to the bathroom but certainly too gone to notice the sounds emanating from the stall furthest from the door. </p><p>Confusion immediately gives way to embarrassment but before he can disappear behind a door himself, the stall door is yanked open and two men tumble out, giggling uncontrollably. One of them, struggling to keep upright under the koalaesque hold of his companion around his neck, spots Kihyun.</p><p>“Hey mister! You got a light?”</p><p>He is patting down his jeans with one hand and extracting a package of cigarettes from his friend’s pocket with the other, who for his part has latched his lips to his neck and is sucking away like the business end of a tentacle. Kihyun blinks rapidly, caught in the liminal space of club bathrooms and their surreal camaraderie as the man looks at him expectantly. </p><p>“Uh, no- no I don’t-”</p><p>The boy groans in disappointment, a heavy, oddly throaty sound that Kihyun doesn’t want to think about too much. He mutters a hurried and completely unnecessary apology and quickly locks himself into the nearest stall. He can hear the couple outside, snatches of laughter mixed with little moans and then they leave. </p><p>The rest of the night passes by normally and when they leave at closing time, Kihyun has completely forgotten the stranger in the bathroom. He is standing on the curb, waiting for his Uber to arrive when he sees him again. He is pacing the sidewalk across the road in front of a payphone booth that Kihyun hadn’t noticed ever before, and is clearly too drunk to properly coordinate his movements. A bunch of keys slips from his hands as he turns his pockets inside out and curses loudly before his eyes meet Kihyun’s. As if on some strange cue, Kihyun’s ears flare up impossibly hot. </p><p>“Hey! You got any change?”</p><p>Kihyun watches with dissociated fascination as the words suspend between them in the gritty cold night air. They are common enough words but the framing is all wrong. For example, the unusually empty road between them, the delayed arrival of Kihyun’s cab, the second successive run-in with the stranger in the same night. The strangest of them all is the presence of the payphone. Had it always been there? Did people even use payphones anymore?</p><p>He doesn’t do well with variables like this and his drunken state is only making his disorientation worse. Across the road, the stranger is getting impatient.</p><p>“Hey! Can you hear me? I need some help!”</p><p>In that moment it occurs to Kihyun that if he answers, he would be crossing a gulf between his current life and something unaccounted for. The passage would be permanent and standing here on this lonely road with a stranger asking for help, he does not have enough time to weigh the pros and cons. So Kihyun does the unthinkable. </p><p>He crosses the road to stand next to the boy and observes him for a moment in the jaundiced glow of the streetlight. He is flushed from the cold, puffs of breath condensing and evaporating in front of his parted lips. His eyes are bright with their liquor-shine and his gaze is expectant. </p><p>“I need some change,” he breathes, shivering in his coat that looks warmer than it actually is, “I need to call someone to pick me up.”</p><p>“Don’t you have a cellphone?”</p><p>The boy sighs impatiently. “Would I ask you for pocket change if I did? My hookup stole my phone and my wallet.”</p><p>Kihyun is struck by a sudden urge to be helpful.</p><p>“You can use my phone.” He pulls it out and offers it before the boy can say anything. He blinks through his alcohol induced haze.</p><p>“Oh. Oh thanks, um, yeah sure.” Kihyun unlocks it for him and watches as he blinks blearily at the screen before handing it back sheepishly.</p><p>“Can you dial it for me, please?”</p><p>Ears warm and cheeks warmer, Kihyun nods and keys in the number recited to him amid long pauses and various revisions. The call goes through and he listens as the man talks. <em>This is strange</em>, Kihyun thinks, <em>none of this feels real</em>. A few seconds later his phone is returned with a small thanks.</p><p>“He should be here in a bit. I’m sorry for holding you up.”</p><p>“Oh no, you didn’t. My ride is-”</p><p>He is interrupted by a car pulling up beside them at that exact moment. </p><p>“Oh! Looks like it’s here,” the boy says and Kihyun can do nothing but nod. <em>How strange</em>. He turns to the boy and smiles.</p><p>“I’ll be going then. Be safe.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he replies warmly, “thanks again. See you!”</p><p>Kihyun is already buckling his seatbelt when it registers. He blinks in confusion. What an odd choice of words. Before he can ask the stranger about it, his car is pulling away, the stranger waving from the sidewalk until he disappears from view.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time settles like sand on a riverbed after that. Kihyun occasionally thinks about him sometimes, about puffs of cold breath and freezing hands, a drawn face in the duochrome of his phone screen and streetlights at 4am. <em>Hey mister! You got a light?</em> It comes sometimes without rhyme or reason to disrupt his concentration and he misreads a sentence or skips over a figure. Hyunwoo has asked him if he needs a break and Minhyuk has side-eyed him meaningfully in meetings but mostly, they have all chalked it up to his breakup. Kihyun doesn’t bother explaining himself.</p><p>And so it happens that poring over assessment reports one evening, he loses track of time. The floor is barely lit outside when he raises his head to look out of the panes of glass that make up his office walls. It is almost nine according to his watch so he logs off his system, grabs his blazer and messenger, and makes his way to the elevator.</p><p>“Can you hold that, please?!”</p><p>It is Minhyuk’s favorite paralegal, sprinting toward him. He gets in and Kihyun nods in acknowledgement to his thanks before pressing the button. He watches as the man catches his breath and fixes his hair. What was his name?</p><p>“I thought I was the only one here this late,” Kihyun says conversationally. <em>Jooheon</em>, shrieks Minhyuk’s voice in his head. The man in question looks at him, slightly taken aback. </p><p>“Oh- um yes, I was just finishing up on some last minute work.”</p><p>“Minhyuk forgot to draft a plea for the Park case, I see.”</p><p>Jooheon blushes. “Um it’s- I mean that’s kind of my job anyway…”</p><p>Kihyun hums as they arrive at the ground floor. They walk out together and Kihyun is about to say goodnight when his eyes land on the car parked on the curb out front. </p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>He looks over just as Kihyun is turning away and beams, sun-bright. </p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>He is there for Jooheon because the latter has paused with his hand on the passenger side door handle. </p><p>“Kyunnie,” he says quizzically, “what are you doing?”</p><p>“This is the guy whose phone I used that night. Fancy seeing you again.” </p><p>Kihyun slowly walks over, a polite smile on his face. ‘Kyunnie’ grins and hold out a hand as Jooheon’s eyes widen, his mouth forming an ‘o’. </p><p>“Hello,” Kihyun says, his voice coming out slightly breathy. He clears his throat. “I see you got home safe that night.”</p><p>“A miracle really,” Jooheon scoffs, “Changkyun is a literal human disaster as you witnessed yourself.”</p><p>Changkyun looks miffed. “It was a crime of passion. I put in the passion, he committed the crime.”</p><p>Kihyun’s heart does a complex acrobatic trick at the sound of his voice again. He really should go. “Well, it was very nice seeing you but I won’t keep you any longer.”</p><p>Jooheon opens his mouth, presumably to say goodbye but Changkyun beats him to it. “How are you getting home? Are you taking a cab again?”</p><p>Kihyun is slightly taken aback and so is Jooheon, who is trying to discreetly poke Changkyun in the side. </p><p>“Uh yeah,” Kihyun replies.</p><p>“Do you want us to drop you?”</p><p>“Changkyun,” Jooheon interrupts, “don’t impose on Mr. Yoo like that.” But Changkyun ignores him, his eyes set on Kihyun, who feels like he’s having an out-of-body experience.</p><p>“I live quite far from here,” he says slowly but Changkyun grins.</p><p>“No problem. Consider it payback for helping drunk ol’ me.” </p><p>Before he knows it, Kihyun is in the backseat, focusing on the low sounds of the radio instead of Changkyun’s voice as he and Jooheon exchange idle banter. They try to engage him but Jooheon is much too aware of his status as Kihyun’s subordinate so the talk eventually peters out into an awkward silence, broken only by Kihyun’s occasional directions.<br/>
By the time they pass the security post outside the complex, Kihyun is itching to get out. He quickly thanks them both and begins walking to the front door when the car door slams behind him, followed by hurried footsteps. </p><p>“Mr. Yoo!” It is Changkyun, a little nervous but very eager. “Please wait.”</p><p>Kihyun looks at him with some hesitation, wondering what he wants to say. Changkyun shifts from one foot to the other before rubbing the back of his neck ruefully.</p><p>“I um I never got your name.”</p><p>Kihyun raises an eyebrow. “You just called me by it.”</p><p>“No I mean- you first name,” Changkyun replies.</p><p>It confuses Kihyun further. “Why would you need that?”</p><p>Changkyun is beginning to look increasingly in physical pain. He runs a hand through his hair, sighs anxiously and mutters, “god, this is embarrassing,” before looking Kihyun square in the eye.</p><p>“Can we have coffee sometime?”</p><p>Kihyun blinks. “Pardon?”</p><p>Changkyun flushes three shades of red. “You know what I mean.”</p><p>“I- what-?</p><p>“A date,” Changkyun blurts out and immediately squeezes his eyes shut, “I wanna ask you out, get to know you, all that jazz, god this is so fucking hard.”</p><p>Kihyun still hasn’t quite processed the statement past “a date”. He counts the number of times he has met this kid. Three, his brain helpfully provides and Kihyun frowns. He wanted to ask Kihyun out based on three encounters, two of which he was drunk for. That was not enough time to decide something like this.</p><p>Despite all the mental exercise, when he opens his mouth, what comes out is: “I don’t date men.”</p><p>Changkyun’s eyes are impossibly wide, a blush spreading like a rash across his cheeks. Oh dear.</p><p>“Wow, fuck I- I totally misread that, didn’t I?” He slaps the back of his neck in embarrassment and Kihyun feels himself ascend beyond the mortal coil of his body. He has to fix this, the kid looks like he wants the ground to split open and swallow him whole. </p><p>“Changkyun I-”</p><p>“No, no, it’s completely fine haha, I’m just gonna scoot real fast ‘cause I got people to do and places to be,” he offers Kihyun finger guns, further cementing the wall of shame between them and zips away to his car. He is pulling out and away before Kihyun can summon an apology. </p><p>Kihyun spends that night and the next seven nights afterwards lying sleepless in his bed, the incident playing in his head on loop. He doesn’t know what possessed him to say what he did and the memory makes his teeth hurt like he’s been chewing on bars of chalk. He is clenching his jaw one morning when Minhyuk, sprawled in the chair across from him, points it out.</p><p>“Stop gnashing your teeth, Jesus, it’s painful to watch.”</p><p>Kihyun looks up from his laptop and tongues the inside of his cheek. “Sorry.”</p><p>“Something bothering you?” Minhyuk asks, leaning forward.</p><p>Kihyun decides he must abort this conversation before Minhyuk’s prying ways make him relent. Again. “Nope, I’m fine. What are you doing here anyway, aren’t you supposed to be in court today?”</p><p>Minhyuk leans forward over his desk, crumpling the monthly evaluation report that IT had sent over that morning. “I’m having Jooheon file an SC-150. Park has absconded overseas, the fucking idiot.”</p><p>Kihyun pauses midway through easing the papers out from underneath his elbows. Jooheon. Changkyun. Fuck. Minhyuk is ranting about his client, oblivious to the cogs turning in Kihyun’s head. He hasn’t been able to get a moment of peace since Changkyun scurried away in embarrassment and the inadvertent lie is eating away at Kihyun’s stomach lining like a nasty worm. He considers asking Jooheon for help but dropping by his office would put him in Minhyuk’s direct line of sight and he couldn’t risk that. </p><p>“-has my goddamn number, the least he can do is tell me before he pulls a stunt like this-”</p><p>Kihyun looks up, the proverbial lightbulb blinking on in his head. He lets Minhyuk finish his rant and waits until he tires of Kihyun’s unresponsiveness and leaves. He waits a few more hours until he gets home and gets comfortable on his couch before pulling out his phone and dialing. It is answered on the third ring.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Hi, Jooheon. It’s Kihyun.”</p><p>He hears shuffling on the other end and what sounds like a sputter. “Ki- Mr. Yoo, hello! It’s unexpected of you to call, sir.”</p><p>Kihyun bites his lip, unsure of how to word his request. He decides on the simplest approach. </p><p>“Everything’s fine, don’t worry,” he hears an audible sigh of relief and smiles, “I actually called to ask you for a favor.”</p><p>“From me? S-sure, what is it?”</p><p>Kihyun stretches out on the couch and stares at the ceiling. <em>Is that a water stain?</em> “I want you to give me Changkyun’s number.”</p><p>“Changkyun’s- I’m sorry, sir?”</p><p><em>Huh. Just a shadow</em>. “His number. I’m sure he told you about what he said to me that night.”</p><p>Jooheon goes quiet for second. Then: “He did.”</p><p>“Yes, well, I said something regretful in return. I want to fix that and I need a bit of help from you.” He waits. “Jooheon?”</p><p>There is a sharp intake of breath. “He’s a kid, sir, he’s kinda bummed about it,” Kihyun’s heartbeat quickens, “but it was a misunderstanding and you cleared it up. I don’t know what you mean by ‘fixing it’. He isn’t holding it against you or anything.”</p><p>Right. He’d have to provide context to get past the best friend, wouldn’t he? </p><p>“I- I’m bi, Jooheon.”</p><p>“…Pardon?”</p><p>“I’m bi,” Kihyun says impatiently, “I got confused and accidentally said I was straight.”</p><p>“Um okay, well, good for you? I'll let him know?”</p><p>He is being presented with two choices here. At least they’re clearly defined. Small comforts.</p><p>“I want to take him out,” he says quickly, before he can overthink it, “I want to go out with him.” </p><p>Where had that come from? He had meant to say he wanted to go on a date with Changkyun. <em>A</em> date, singular. Going out meant… things. It had implications that stretched to an indefinite period of time. Had he meant that or had the words become scrambled somewhere between his brain and his mouth? He realizes with dawning horror that it was the former this time. </p><p>“Oh,” Jooheon sounds shocked. <em>Me too, buddy, me too</em>. “That’s- okay.”</p><p>“Right, so can I get his number now?”</p><p>“I mean… he’s here. We room together so I can just hand him the phone?”</p><p>There is a muffled squeal in the background and Kihyun bites back a smile. “Please.”</p><p>He hears shuffling, more distant squeals and what sounds like a heavy thud followed by a groan. Kihyun waits patiently until Changkyun speaks in a tiny voice.</p><p>“Hi.”</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“So um. Joo says you’ve got something to tell me.”</p><p>Kihyun breaks out into a smile. “I’m sure you know already, since I was on speakerphone.”</p><p>Changkyun eeps and Kihyun’s smile widens. “Mayhaps.”</p><p>“I can say it again, if you want?”</p><p>“…I’d like that,” Changkyun whispers.</p><p>So Kihyun asks. “Can I take you out for coffee this weekend?”</p><p>Giggles, light and airy and Kihyun’s heart soars. “Yes, please.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The first time they kiss is in Kihyun’s car on the way back from their second date. It’s nothing really, just the barest hint of pressure on each other’s lips but it makes Changkyun’s cheeks glow with warmth and when his hand tentatively reaches for Kihyun’s face, Kihyun finds himself leaning into the touch as if it were the most natural thing in the world.<br/>
They start slow. Too slow for some people, but Changkyun is happy and Kihyun is content. Changkyun is finishing up his degree and doesn’t have too much time to while away anyway, which suits Kihyun just fine. In all honesty, he is 70% convinced that Changkyun will get bored of his stuffiness and countless emotional inhibitions and dump him any day. He is still young, barely 24, and Kihyun is sure that he can find infinitely better fish in the sea. </p><p>But weeks turn into months and nothing really changes. Changkyun is still here, cheerful, carefree, and slightly bonkers, and Kihyun is growing more confused by the hour because whichever way he looks at it, this relationship offers Kihyun all the space he needs but there’s nothing really in it for Changkyun. </p><p>Curled up on the window seat one afternoon in early spring, with Changkyun dozing off on his lap, Kihyun turns another page of his book without really reading it. It’s a beautiful day and he has opened the bay windows on Changkyun’s request so the room is comfortably cool, the curtains occasionally billowing inwards with light gusts of wind. Sunlight warms Changkyun’s sleeping face, making his eyelids flutter now and then as he snores softly and burrows further into Kihyun and Kihyun feels fondness spreading from his core to his extremities. </p><p><em>Why are you here?</em> He thinks as he runs a hand through Changkyun’s mop of fluffy black hair, sun-warm and soft, <em>why are you here with me?</em> The longer he thinks about it, the longer it feels like a disservice to Changkyun. In the four months they have spent together, they haven’t done anything past making out and a few hurried blowjobs that they managed to squeeze in between the demanding nature of Kihyun’s newly appointed position as CFO and Changkyun’s long nights researching for his dissertation. That can’t be all that Changkyun wants, can it? Doesn’t he dream of nights spent together or long days doing sickly sweet couple-y things? Doesn’t he want flowers and movie dates and weekend getaways? Kihyun realizes, with increasing guilt, that he is really not a very good boyfriend if Changkyun won’t even voice his needs. </p><p>“Hey,” he looks down to see Changkyun blinking sleepily up at him, squinting against the sun. Kihyun immediately shades him with his book.</p><p>“Sorry, did I wake you?”</p><p>“Mmm not really,” Changkyun lifts a lazy hand and presses it against Kihyun’s chest, “loud.”</p><p>Kihyun smiles. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Shush,” Changkyun says, sitting up and straddling Kihyun’s waist. He plucks the book from Kihyun’s hand and deposits it next to them. “What are you thinking about?”</p><p>“You,” Kihyun says, securing his hands on either of Changkyun’s thighs.</p><p>“Oooo something nasty I bet,” Changkyun grins wolfishly as he leans in close to Kihyun’s face, “I can see it on your face, you’re a nasty old man.” </p><p>Kihyun smacks his butt halfheartedly. “Don’t expose me like that, you little gremlin.”</p><p>Changkyun cackles and tucks his face into the crook of Kihyun’s neck, inhaling his scent. Kihyun’s heartbeat picks up again, hands coming up to wrap around him, his skin warming up in a way that has nothing to do with the sunlight lapping at it. Changkyun is humming contentedly against his neck and for the first time in years, time stands still and Kihyun lets himself fully bask in this warmth. The two of them on Kihyun’s window seat one spring afternoon; Kihyun tries to memorize every single detail so he can tuck it away into the folds of his memory. It occurs to him that he’d like to pull it out and look at it down the line, even if they grow apart. He feels queasy at the thought.</p><p>“Your brain’s too loud,” Changkyun whines, pulling away to pout at him, “what is it?”</p><p><em>I’m thinking ahead and it scares me</em>. “Nothing, baby. Just work. It’s almost lunchtime, what do you want to eat?”</p><p>Changkyun narrows his eyes and pouts harder. Dear god, this boy. Kihyun leans in and sucks his lower lip into his mouth until the giggles come. </p><p>“Frahp!”</p><p>Kihyun lets him go with a wet smooch. “You were pouting.”</p><p>“Do you have an oral fixation?”</p><p>Kihyun wiggles his eyebrows. “I don’t know, do I?” He sider-walks his fingers up Changkyun’s waist before tickling him mercilessly. Changkyun shoots out of his lap like a projectile, howling at the while as he pushes against Kihyun’s chest.</p><p>“Oh my- get the fuck away from me you nasty, dirty, pervy old man!”</p><p>They end up in a mess of tangled limbs and reddened faces on the carpet, Changkyun kneeing Kihyun in the stomach to get him off and laughing maniacally when he rolls away in pain. Changkyun crawls over to him, turns him on his back and plops down on his midsection. Kihyun lets out a strangled wheeze.</p><p>“Forfeit.”</p><p>“You bruised my dick!”</p><p>Changkyun laughs, leaning down and kissing both his cheeks. “Nah, just your ego.” He drops a kiss on Kihyun’s lips before getting to his feet. “Now get off your ass and make me some pasta. A bitch is starving.”</p><p>Kihyun watches, gaze soft, as Changkyun does an exaggerated sashay to the open kitchen where he no doubt intends to sit on the island and pester Kihyun while he cooks. As Changkyun looks over his shoulder at him and says something about old bones and starving to death, Kihyun realizes he is, without a doubt, thoroughly and completely fucked. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It still eats away him though, and as the days go by with suspiciously unbroken domestic bliss, Kihyun wonders if Changkyun really is hiding his feelings. He does nothing that would give weight to this idea, however, and Kihyun is too afraid of a potential argument to ask him directly. Changkyun is kind, gentle, and extremely accommodating and Kihyun doesn’t want to keep taking advantage of that. He decides to ask for advice. </p><p>“You’re telling me you haven’t fucked yet?!”</p><p>The intern passing by his office peeks in, bewildered, before quickly ducking out of sight. Kihyun rubs the tips of his fingers against his temples, easing away his burgeoning headache and regrets ever having opened his mouth but he has made his bed and now he must wrestle Minhyuk into it with him. Or at least try. </p><p>“Keep your voice down, you idiot.”</p><p>“I am <em>stunned</em>-,”</p><p>“Minhyuk, please.”</p><p>“It has been <em>months</em>!”</p><p>“God.”</p><p>“How are you surviving, my guy?!”</p><p>Kihyun glares at him. “Like everyone else in this goddamn city. I don’t want Changkyun to think this is all he’s worth because I lo-,”</p><p>Kihyun’s eyes grow wide as Minhyuk gawks at him, his mouth slowly falling open. There are few moments of tense silence. </p><p>“As I was saying,” Kihyun chokes out, “he means a lot to me-”</p><p>“Pretty sure that’s not what you were saying-”</p><p>“He means a lot to me,” Kihyun insists, glaring at his smirking friend. God, of all the people to slip up in front of…</p><p>“Okay, I hear ya,” Minhyuk agrees, looking punchably smug. </p><p>“And I feel he might be hiding his dissatisfaction for my sake,” Kihyun leans back in his chair and bites his lip. “I’m a terrible boyfriend.”</p><p>“Look, I know you’re anal- ironic ‘cause you still haven’t got your dick wet- about feelings and shit but seriously, all you have to do is ask him.”</p><p>“The unnecessary jab notwithstanding, if it was so easy to ‘just ask him’ I’d have done it already,” Kihyun sighs. Minhyuk scoffs.</p><p>“Right. It’s not like you’ve been passive in literally all your past relationships.” Kihyun glares at him and he raises an eyebrow. “What? I’ll see you try and deny it.”</p><p>Kihyun shakes his head, done with the conversation. “As usual, you have been great help. Now get out I have work to do.”</p><p>“Kihyun, stop.” Minhyuk says sharply and Kihyun reluctantly looks up at him. He sighs and leans forward across the desk. “You always keel over at the slightest hint of a conflict. He deserves better than your constipated ass anyway and before he realizes it, I’d advise you to fix your fucking act. Talk to him. It looks painful but it really isn’t.”</p><p>And he’s right. Like always. It’s a blow to his ego but Kihyun nods slowly and Minhyuk finally leaves, having made him promise to update later. </p><p>Hand hovering over his phone, Kihyun takes a deep breath and tries to think of some innocuous opener. He knows Changkyun has a meeting with his supervisor scheduled for the afternoon tomorrow so he can stay the night. They can cuddle, watch something on Netflix, and Kihyun can cook something nice before ripping off the bandaid. </p><p>He sets a dinner and movie date with Changkyun and spends the rest of his time working on a presentation before he leaves for home. He is in the middle of dicing tarragon for the béarnaise when Changkyun arrives. Kihyun buzzes him in, opens the door and is promptly glomped.</p><p>“You smell good,” Changkyun declares, squeezing his waist and sniffing the air, “is that beef?”</p><p>Kihyun tries to hug him back as best as he can without letting his oily gloves leave marks on Changkyun’s clothes. “Yup. Let me just-,” he reaches around them to push the door closed, “baby, I need to-,”</p><p>Changkyun pushes the door shut with his foot but continues to cling to Kihyun and eventually, Kihyun gives up and lets him piggyback to the kitchen. Settled on the island, Changkyun sings some pop song completely off-key as Kihyun rushes to flip the beef. </p><p>“I missed you,” Changkyun says suddenly before sliding off the island and wrapping his arms around Kihyun’s waist. Kihyun shivers despite himself when Changkyun presses kisses along the back of his neck. “I always miss you.”</p><p>Kihyun leans back against him and sighs. “I missed you too. Long day?”</p><p>He feels Changkyun nod. “Yeah. I don’t wanna look at written words for at least a day now so you better feed me and cuddle me until I sleep.”</p><p>Kihyun smiles and cranes his neck to plant a kiss on Changkyun’s head as he checks the meat one last time. “Whatever you want, baby.”</p><p>They eat on the couch and watch Kekkai Sensen on Netflix, Kihyun training one ear on the show and the other on Changkyun as he keeps up a running commentary. By the time they are halfway through the season, he has curled up on Kihyun’s lap, both of them wrapped up in a throw blanket. Running idle fingers through Changkyun’s hair, Kihyun tries to think of a good way to start the conversation. Changkyun is tired, already drowsy, and Kihyun had promised him a relaxing evening. Was it really fair to burden him with guilt right now?</p><p>“You know you’re gonna have to talk to me eventually, right?” Startled, he looks down to find Changkyun wide awake, staring up at him. He pushes himself up and turns off the TV before turning to face Kihyun. “Do it now. Go on.”</p><p>Kihyun hesitates. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it, come here.”</p><p>Changkyun crawls out of the blanket and sits cross-legged next to him. “Kihyun,” he says firmly, “talk.”</p><p>“Changkyun-”</p><p>“Are you breaking up with me?”</p><p>“What?” Kihyun says, appalled, “<em>no</em>!”</p><p>“Then what? You’ve been distracted for days. I know something’s bothering you,” Changkyun’s voice quivers, “is it me? Are you tired of me?”</p><p>“Oh my god, sweetheart, no,” Kihyun coos, opening his arms, and Changkyun slides into them. Kihyun presses him close, shifting him into his lap again. “I’m not breaking up with you,” he whispers against Changkyun’s hair and takes a deep breath, “I just don’t know if you’re happy with me.”</p><p>Changkyun pulls away enough to stare at him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>Kihyun sighs and shuts his eyes. He can’t look at Changkyun. “I mean… I mean I’m not a good boyfriend. I don’t always have time for you. I’m older than you and no fun to be around. And…,” he bites his lip, “we haven’t- I haven’t even-”</p><p>There is soft pressure on his hand and an even softer voice. “What, baby?”</p><p>“We still haven’t had sex,” Kihyun says, feeling shame creep its way up his neck. This was all his fault. Changkyun was going to finally tell him how hollow their relationship was and it was all his fault. </p><p>“Look at me,” he says instead and Kihyun slowly opens his eyes to find Changkyun staring at him with lips pinched inward, barely holding in a laugh but there is such an inordinate amount of tenderness in his eyes that it makes Kihyun tongue-tied. Changkyun giggles, cups Kihyun’s face with both hands and rests their foreheads against each other. For a moment, they just breathe each other’s air, Changkyun waiting patiently as Kihyun tries to calm his racing heart.  </p><p>“I thought you were voluntarily celibate,” Kihyun grabs him in a headlock as Changkyun cackles gleefully. </p><p>“I’m trying to be vulnerable here!”</p><p>“And I’m listening,” Changkyun escapes his hold and grins up at him, “I’m sorry, come here.” He pulls Kihyun down, fingers twisting in his hair as he kisses him soft and slow. Changkyun lets his tongue slide across Kihyun’s lips before slipping deftly inside and licking the roof of his mouth. Kihyun pulls him up, scraping his teeth across his bottom lip, hand tightening possessively on his waist. Changkyun moans quietly before he pulls away. </p><p>“I’m happy, Kihyun,” he says, slightly out of breath, “I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t. I had no idea you felt that way, I thought we were taking it slow because we were both busy.”</p><p>Kihyun flushes a bright red, knowing he will regret saying what he is about to say next. </p><p>“We could um- I mean- I’m not busy and you said you needed a break?”</p><p>Changkyun’s face lights up with a ridiculously goofy grin. “Dear me, Mr. Yoo, are you propositioning me?”</p><p>“Oh god, shut up and let me fuck you already.”</p><p>And Changkyun obliges, shuts him up with a bruising kiss that takes his breath away. Kihyun groans, wrapping Changkyun’s legs around his waist and getting unsteadily to his feet. He carries him into the bedroom, blindly finding his way through the doorway and dumping Changkyun unceremoniously on the bed. </p><p>“Be gentle,” Changkyun whines and Kihyun bends over him, kissing him all over his face, lips breathing apology after apology and Changkyun, the little demon, grins and pulls him on top. </p><p>“Kidding. Please fuck me. Spear me on your thick, fat-,”</p><p>“Changkyun, if you don’t <em>shut up</em>-” Kihyun unbuttons his shirt and pushes it out of the way to suck viciously at a nipple and Changkyun whines. Kihyun glides a hand down his body, palming his dick straining against his pants. </p><p>“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers, eyes roving over the half-naked boy splayed beneath him for the taking. It chokes him up in weird way and it slips past his lips, a hushed confession, swollen with everything he hadn’t allowed himself to feel, much less express. </p><p>“I love you,” Kihyun says brokenly, body sagging as relief and release fill him from the inside. When had he said this the last time and meant it? He doesn’t remember and doesn’t care because he means it now, with all his heart which sits impossibly full in his chest. He leans down and rests his forehead against Changkyun’s opalescent shoulder, trying his best to even out his breathing. It comes in great waves of sensory overload, the full implications of his words setting in and terrifying him beyond belief. </p><p>“I-I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Changkyun, I’m so sorry.”</p><p>There are hands against his skin, running soothingly down his back and he can’t help the tiny sob that squeezes its way past his lips. He wants to die, humiliation bathing him in its murkiness. And then he is slowly shifted and he panics, convinced that Changkyun is pushing him out of the way so he can get dressed and leave. </p><p>But he doesn’t. He makes Kihyun lie down and straddles his lap. </p><p>“We always end up like this, huh,” Changkyun says playfully, “guess I’m destined to top in this relationship.”</p><p>Kihyun sniffles, avoiding eye contact until Changkyun holds his face between his palms and kisses his forehead. It makes Kihyun cry harder for some reason. </p><p>“Why are you being so gentle with me?” he whispers, “I don’t deserve any of this.”</p><p>“God, Kihyun, you’ve given me no reason to be cruel to you.” Changkyun kisses him. Pulls back and kisses him again, harder, pushing against his mouth with insistent force and sucking Kihyun’s tongue into his mouth. He pulls away to glare at him weakly. “Stop laying into yourself and let me help you. Can I do that?”</p><p>Kihyun nods with some trepidation and Changkyun smiles. “Thank you. Now. Where the hell do you keep your rubber and lube?”</p><p>Kihyun laughs wetly, doing his best to ignore the fact that Changkyun hadn’t answered him, and points to the nightstand drawer. Changkyun divests them both of their clothes and resumes his former position. He lubes up two of his fingers and leans down to press his lips against Kihyun’s as he fingers himself open. He breathes contented sighs and tiny moans of pleasure into Kihyun’s mouth and Kihyun drinks it all in like it’s the sweetest of wines. Rubs a hand soothingly across the small of Changkyun’s back as Kihyun’s cock stretches him out and fill him up. Changkyun falls against his chest, fingers threaded with his on either side of Kihyun’s head and Kihyun whispers praises when Changkyun rolls his hips and takes him in. Prints “you’re so beautiful” and “I love you so much, my sweet, darling boy” across Changkyun’s lips and into the soft skin of his cheeks. </p><p>And then Changkyun moans brokenly, arching his back and says “I love you too” and the world tilts on its axis. Something breaks within Kihyun, emboldening him and suddenly he can’t say it enough.</p><p>“I love you,” he says feverishly as he pushes up to kiss Changkyun, “God, I love you so much.”</p><p>He flips them over and trails the backs of his knuckles over the smooth, tan skin of Changkyun’s back down to the soft swell of his ass. He spreads his asscheeks apart and leans down to mouth at the rim, stretched and slick with lube. Changkyun goes limp underneath him, cheek pressed into the mattress and a fist shoved into his mouth as he moans and drips drools around his fingers. Kihyun sucks a bruise onto his ass and laves his tongue soothingly over it as Changkyun dissolves into a quivering mess of pleas and moans, practically melting into the bed.     </p><p>“Kihyun,” and his thick, sex-swollen voice resonates in Kihyun’s bones, “Kihyun, <em>please</em>…”</p><p>“Yeah baby, I know,” he nudges Changkyun’s legs apart and settles between them, “I know. You’re so patient, so good for me.”</p><p>He drapes himself across Changkyun’s back and pushes back in, ramming into his prostate, leaving open mouthed kisses over the expanse of his shoulders and Changkyun cries out and begs for more. Kihyun obliges, fucking into him hard. He reaches an arm around them to lift Changkyun up to his elbows and knees, his neglected cock leaking precum and painfully red. Kihyun jerks him off roughly, his own hips stuttering as he feels himself getting close. Changkyun isn’t far behind.  </p><p>“I’m gonna-”</p><p>“Let it go,” Kihyun says, heated breath blooming wetly on the skin of Changkyun’s back, “let go, sweetheart, I’ve got you.”</p><p>Changkyun moans, long and sweet as he comes in Kihyun’s fist, his elbows giving out and face planting forward into the pillows. Kihyun thrusts into him, shallow and fast, before coming himself. </p><p>Breathless and spent, he pulls out slowly, cooing softly as Changkyun whines in the wake of oversensitivity. Kihyun carefully lays him down before getting up on shaky legs and tossing the condom. By the time he comes back to bed with a washcloth in hand, Changkyun is heavy-eyed with sleep. </p><p>“We did it,” he says with tired cheer as Kihyun turns him over and wipes him down. Kihyun groans.</p><p>“I have never before regretted having sex so much.”</p><p>Changkyun pushes himself up on his elbows and pretends to look shocked. “You’ve had sex before?”</p><p>Kihyun throws the washcloth into his face and he shrieks before throwing it back at him.</p><p>“God, you’re a baby,” Kihyun says fondly, turning to go back to the bathroom before stopping and looking over shoulder, “don’t say it.”</p><p>Changkyun pouts, his bottom lip jutting out exaggeratedly. “But I’m <em>your</em> baby.” </p><p>Kihyun groans as he throws the washcloth into the laundry hamper to the soundtrack of Changkyun’s self-satisfied giggling. He washes his hands and hurries back to the bed, grabbing two pairs of pajama bottoms from the dresser on his way. Changkyun makes a face at his but puts them on anyway.</p><p>Kihyun gets in bed, nestling his face into Changkyun’s hair as he plays a lazy piano on Kihyun’s ribs.</p><p>“Where do I write my review?” Kihyun holds him crushingly close, kissing his cheeks aggressively until Changkyun giggles himself silly and asks for forgiveness. </p><p>“Now shut up and go to sleep, you dumb little baby,” Kihyun pauses, then adds a soft, “I love you.”</p><p>Changkyun hums, snuggling in close, quickly losing to sleep. “I love you too.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Something changes in the second year of his relationship with Changkyun but Kihyun doesn’t know what. </p><p>He isn’t sure what kind of change it is either, just that something has shifted in his life. He finds out what the day his secretary, a new hire, young and nervous, steps into his office and asks timidly if she can be allowed a couple of days off to visit her sick mother in the country. She has been told in hushed whispers by other paralegals what Kihyun’s usual answer is. She is hoping he makes an allowance but doesn’t have much hope because she was only hired last month. </p><p>So when Kihyun looks up from his laptop and says, “Alright, please draft a formal letter and leave it at my desk at lunchtime. I’ll sign it then,” she is understandably mystified.</p><p>Kihyun watches her, a little concerned. “Ms. Hwang? Did you need something else?”</p><p>Ms. Hwang is startled out of her reverie and quickly apologizes before scurrying out of his office. Kihyun returns to work, unaware of anything amiss. At lunchtime, when Hyungwon comes to fetch him so they can walk to the nearby café, he casually mentions the incident. </p><p>“What’s this I’ve been hearing around the office?”</p><p>Minhyuk and Hoseok, walking beside them, lean in with interest at the prospect of gossip.</p><p>“What? Kihyun asks.</p><p>“Did you really sign Hwang Yeji’s leave of absence?”</p><p>Kihyun nods, confused. “Yeah, why?”</p><p>Minhyuk laughs incredulously and Hoseok gawks. “You did??”</p><p>Kihyun eyes them both and then Hyungwon, who has a carefully blank face. “Is there something I’m missing here? She needed a few days off, what’s the big deal?”</p><p>“I mean,” Hoseok begins uncertainly, “it’s just very-”</p><p>“You’re a draconian overload of a boss and we’re surprised you gave your secretary a break with minimal resistance,” Hyungwon shrugs. </p><p>“What he said,” Hoseok agrees. Kihyun frowns.</p><p>“I’m not draconian, I’m just strict.”</p><p>“Two very different things,” Minhyuk says breezily, pushing open the café door, “don’t be sad, little tyrant, it’s a good thing,” he looks over his shoulder and grins, “gotta thank the kid for mellowing you out.”</p><p>And that is… true, in a way. Changkyun has eased out the kinks in his temper, scaled down his impatience with his firm belief in taking things as they come. It strikes Kihyun then that he has become more relaxed, the little ball of tension coiled perpetually at the back of his head hasn’t throbbed in a long time. </p><p>And yet.</p><p>He feels the same strange, unbidden feeling of having lost something essential that he felt that first day in grade school. When Minhyuk had saved him from years of loneliness by sticking to him despite Kihyun’s attempts at scaring him away. He feels it now, the irrational pain of losing potentially painful things simply because they are routine. Familiar.</p><p>As he drives back home that evening, he thinks over all the little shifts he has overlooked. Things had always been different with Changkyun, a set of unknown variables condensed into a young man who asked a stranger for a lighter, half-drunk in a bar bathroom. The inkling of a massive seismic change had always shrouded him, even back then, a beautiful boy capable of manifesting payphone booths and a storm of feelings. Kihyun is half certain that if he were to go back now and stand at the street corner from that night, the booth wouldn’t be there because in the grand scheme of things, it had fulfilled its duty the very night it appeared. </p><p>Rain patters the car roof and it settles like disquietude inside him, the thought of power and miracles in Changkyun’s hands and in his eyes. He doesn’t know how he feels about himself, of the little things twisting and turning into newness underneath Changkyun’s calming magic. By the time he comes home to his dark apartment, there is fear thrumming urgently in his bones. He thinks of Hyemi in a long time, of her desire to change the course of his life and the vehemence with which he opposed it. Of others before her. And Changkyun. Changkyun who had done the unthinkable. </p><p>The old, ever-present loss and its dread come rushing back as if they had never left. How much more of him would be transposed from Changkyun? And how much of Kihyun did he carry now? <em>I don’t know who I am</em>, Kihyun thinks, terrified because he had always known.</p><p>His phone rings, its generic beep echoing unearthly loud in the darkness. Frozen by the door, Kihyun ignores it until it stops ringing, then pulls it out to check the caller. Changkyun. Guilt claws at him as he puts the phone back in his pocket and tries not to think too much of it. He showers, heats leftovers for dinner and looks over reports as he eats. </p><p>When his phone rings again, he ignores the pit in his stomach and picks up. It is Jooheon. </p><p>“Hyung,” he says urgently, “is Changkyun at your place?”</p><p>“What? No, he isn’t. Why?”</p><p>“Fuck,” Kihyun can hear clattering the background and the jingle of keys, “that fucking idiot. He was gonna come to you but he was running a high fever and I fucking told him to wait-,” Kihyun hears doors opening and the faint hum of an engine, “anyway, if he’s not with you I don’t know where he is ‘cause he isn’t picking up.”</p><p>Kihyun’s mind is reeling, the phone screen with Changkyun’s name searing itself across his eyes. He looks out of the kitchen window, at the freezing November rain falling in icy sheets and Changkyun, sick, out there somewhere. His blood runs cold. </p><p>“I’m heading out now,” he says, jolting out of his chair and running for the door, “I’ll call you when I find anything.”</p><p>He throws on a coat and shoves his keys in his pocket. His guilt has grown into a tumor of anger and self-loathing, the idea that he had possibly missed a call for help makes hot tears press against the backs of his eyes as he throws open the door but before he can take a step outside, he freezes. </p><p>“Changkyun?” Kihyun says, fear gripping his lungs as he reaches forward. He is there, slumped just outside the door, camellias wrapped in mesh net half-crushed underneath his limp hand. A pained noise escapes Kihyun’s lips as he scrambles to gather Changkyun to his chest, sweeping him up and carrying him inside. How long had he been out there? Kihyun had been home for over an hour now and it was freezing in the hallway. </p><p>His heart throbs painfully as he lays Changkyun down on his bed, removing his shoes and his jacket. His skin is burning, sweat clogging the roots of his hair. Kihyun takes his temperature. 40 degrees. Panicking, he applies a fever patch and calls Jooheon to inform him. Then, he slowly steps back outside. The poor flowers greet him, limp and sad, from the hallway floor. He picks them up carefully, fingering the bruised petals, mind miles away, as remembers the date; It is his birthday in a few hours. Of course, he had forgotten. And of course, Changkyun had gone out in the rain, determined to keep up the tradition of spending the evening before with him.  </p><p>Filled with guilt and self-loathing, he comes back in, fills a glass with water and takes both it and the flowers to the bedroom. Changkyun is breathing shallowly, sweating even in the thin comforter Kihyun had covered him with. Kihyun deposits everything on the nightstand and sits down on the bed. Reaching out a hand to caress Changkyun’s cheeks.</p><p>“Hey,” he whispers, “baby, can you hear me?”</p><p>He pushes Changkyun’s soaked hair away from his forehead and leans close. Changkyun’s eyelids flutter and he stirs. Kihyun’s heart clenches in his chest as he takes a deep breath and takes out some ibuprofen from the medicine box in his nightstand drawer.</p><p>“Changkyun you need to take this, baby, it’ll help with the fever.” Kihyun gently helps him up into a half sitting position, ignoring the way his chest constricts each time Changkyun lets out tiny moans of pain as he swallows the pills. After tucking him back in, Kihyun moves to sit on the floor by the bedside. </p><p>Outside, rain lashes mercilessly against the windows, the occasional bolts of lightning illuminating the angry grey sky in short flashes but Kihyun’s eyes are fixed on Changkyun. His breathing is labored as he sleeps fitfully and looking at him, weak and helpless, Kihyun finally bursts into angry tears. He thrusts a fist into his mouth to keep himself from crying out and reaches underneath the blanket to take Changkyun’s burning hand. Kihyun tries to take full stock of the situation, of the fact that he had abandoned Changkyun in need, that he had been having second thoughts about their relationship. With every passing second, misery batters Kihyun’s chest until it caves under its weight. </p><p>Kihyun gets to his feet and walks to the kitchen, sobs bubbling in his throat. He sits down on the kitchen floor and lets it out, his arms wrapped tightly around his knees. In his mind, he is back on the sidewalk, blinking at his fate in the eyes of a stranger asking for help that has since set them on a path of constant exchange with no end in sight. The way the both of them had become impressed upon each other, imprinting bits of themselves, good and bad. All his life, Kihyun had been terrified of anything stirring the still waters of knowability, changing only when things forced him to. Losing himself to time was ugly and horrifying, a deranged artist’s increasingly unrecognizable self-portrait. But was it always?</p><p>He had been happy with Changkyun. That had to matter to him. It did matter. Opening himself up to Changkyun, to all his other friends, had always begun with a pang of existential horror that accompanies intimate relationships. Kihyun had dissolved a part of himself in them and they in turn, had merged with him, mellowing each other out, taking but also giving. At this point in his life, Kihyun is certain that he and Changkyun mirror each other, their needs and desires, and on a primal level, it is terrifying still. To be with him, Kihyun had sacrificed himself and so had Changkyun. Perhaps he was just as terrified but he had always been the braver of the two of them. </p><p>The cold floor digs into his skin as Kihyun wipes his cheeks and eventually ventures back into his bedroom. His head swims with all kinds of emotions as he kneels on the floor by Changkyun’s side and takes his hand again. Changkyun’s warm breath quickens and hitches. Kihyun presses his forehead to Changkyun’s and whispers nonsense words of comfort, easing him out, stroking his cheek with one hand. Changkyun’s trembling, fevered breath slips into Kihyun’s nose, spreading inside him the pollen of the thought that if the boy in his bed were to die, Kihyun would have to follow. That he wouldn’t survive.</p><p>Kihyun pulls back, staggering under the weight of the thought but he knows he is convicted, prepared to follow Changkyun into death. He would do it because despite the tangled web of their shared lives and the codependency that is the store of love, Kihyun really wouldn’t want to be alone, because a life without Changkyun would be the worst kind of loss. It would be real, bloated with a pain that would break KIhyun, who has only ever imagined pain and swerved around it before it can touch him.</p><p>He takes off his shoes and joins Changkyun in bed, trying his best not to jostle him too much as he takes him in his arms. Changkyun groans but Kihyun shushes him, holding him close, pressing his lips to the hot skin of his cheeks. The lamp casts its golden glow, lighting up Changkyun’s face in a pool of yellow that shines off a feverous light. Kihyun tries to burn this image into his memory, sear it into his conscience as a reminder of what he would have to give up on if he dared break another heart. </p><p>“I love you very much,” he says and Changkyun simply whines before clinging to him. Kihyun secures the blanket around the two of them and lies with him, holding Changkyun until he himself drifts off to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>come screm</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/ajghar1">Twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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